100 Things About Me.

I’ve been wondering for quite a while now where my ‘About Me’ post ran off to. I wrote it so long ago I can’t even remember when I did it. I was inspired by Adrian’s About Me post that he did when we first started flirting back in 2003. When I was searching yesterday for information for my screenplay, I came across that post again. As it turns out, when that was going on I had a far older, different blog. At blogspot, of all places. Ick. But, after much searching for my old password, I logged in and found MY About Me post from April 11, 2003. Over four years ago.

Some things have definitely changed. Some things have remained constant. Some things I feel far more strongly about. It’s time to write a new one. Here goes 100 Things About Me:

1. I am named after both of my grandmothers. Suzanne on my dad’s side, and Margaret from my mom’s side. I don’t plan on naming my children after anyone in the family.
2. My mom and her twin brother are adopted, so I don’t actually know what my family history is except for my father’s side. Sometimes I wonder if there were crazy people in my family tree, but I’ll never know what makes me so irrational sometimes.
3. Speaking of twins, they run in both sides of my family. If I’m lucky, I’ll have fraternal twins off the bat when I have children. That’s what I’d prefer, at least.
4. My dad has been married three times, my mother twice. I didn’t grow up with a lot of healthy relationships surrounding me, so I never really took any of my own seriously – I assumed they’d always end, so why bother? I still have a hard time not wanting to just walk out when Adrian and I argue.
5. I’m learning how to be in a relationship still, and I’ve been married over a year now. We’re still learning how to argue in a good way, and not in destructive, hurtful ways. I also know that I wouldn’t be as happy as I am with anyone else in the world.
6. I love designing things. I think it’s fascinating when a piece of jewelry comes to life in my hands or a dress comes together while I’m sewing. I’m constantly amazed by the beauty I can create all by myself.
7. I still have a lot of guilt issues over things that I did when I was young and stupid. I know harbouring those thoughts can be really destructive, but also – what kind of person would I be if I didn’t have that kind of conscience?
8. I don’t actually watch tv. We don’t have cable except for the internet. Of course, we download anything I want to watch – without commercials – so I think that counts as watching tv.
9. I spend more time on the internet than I’d really care to admit. I’m always checking my email or surfing sites I like. I distract myself from my work by procrastinating online.
10. I laugh at people’s misfortunes as long as it isn’t permanently scarring. It’s not funny to watch an old person get fleeced of their life savings, but it is funny to see a little kid take a bouncy ball to the face.
11. I don’t actually listen to music. I feel it. I close my eyes and let all the little parts drift into my body. The bass makes my heart thud. The harmony makes my spine shiver. Those little electro-noises make my brain tingle. I love what people can do with music and I’ll never stop being amazed at the art of it.
12. Sometimes I feel like I’m a horrible friend – I forget to ask questions and follow-up with people. I honestly assume that if you want to tell me something, you’ll tell me. If you don’t want to talk about something, I’m not the kind of person to pry into your business. Be more forthcoming, and I’ll try to shut up more.
13. I talk too much. It’s something I desperately hate about myself, and I can tell people judge me negatively for it. It’s not that I’m self absorbed, it’s that I have no real filter between my brain and my mouth – I’ll forget what I wanted to tell you if I don’t say it. It’s a constant struggle.
14. I fall a little bit in love with Good People. Like, really in love. I meet people who have a genuine Something Special about them, and I give them little bits of my heart. I will never fall out of love with Adrian, and he understands that. He knows that there are amazing people out there, and I gravitate toward the best of them – if you’re one of my friends, I’ve already fallen a little in love with you.
15. I wonder, sometimes, if I may be bi-polar. I seem to have long periods of Super High Amazing Days and then random trough-like days of Super Awful Everything Sucks. You never know when it will happen, but I always bounce back.
16. I waver quite often between self-conscious and uber-confident. I don’t know why, but I assume that when I meet people, they won’t like me. It takes some time and convincing that people actually want to spend time with me – that they like me for ME.
17. I have horrible vision – I can’t see details beyond about 8 feet without my glasses on. I’m too scared to get laser surgery, though. I watched my ex getting his done and it threw me off the idea of it, forever.
18. I will argue about anything. Sometimes I get frustrated because I don’t think I am making my point clearly enough, but I’m willing to stand my ground if I believe what I’m saying. Also, I can see ‘the other side’ in almost any situation. Or, I look at something from a completely different angle than most people – I think that’s why some people think I’m stupid, but it’s just because they won’t open their mind to different levels of thought. I’m open to letting go of physical and universal ‘laws’ because Who Wrote The Law? That brings a whole new world into the light – let’s explore that.
19. I get really insecure when women hit on Adrian. It’s not that they’re more attractive, or I don’t trust him – it just frustrates me that they know he’s married and they flirt with him anyway. I feel like they’re disrespecting our relationship, and disrespecting me. I wouldn’t do that to someone else. But, I also know that Adrian is one of those magical, amazing people who makes others feel good about themselves. I have to understand that women, especially, love that. Lucky for me, Adrian is also amazingly trustworthy and picked ME out of all the womenfolk he could have married.
20. My birthday is on July 20^th. It always made me sad in school that I could never bring cupcakes to share. Now, I’m grateful that I can always find a margarita on my birthday.
21. I’m extremely nosy. Not that I’ll butt into your business, just in the sense that I’m always wondering something. Google and wikipedia were huge breakthroughs for me – Ask Jeeves was my original go-to site. I also like ehow.com and soyouwanna.com
22. I thought by now I’d have Accomplished Something – something tangible. Of course, friends and family remind me of how intrepid I have been, so I must be doing something right. There are lots of things that I consider I did wrong, but I’m trying to look at them as Learning Experiences.
23. I have changed my hair colour six times this year. Some might think that’s crazy. I look at it like a cheap makeover. Plus, it makes me happy to be able to change my look – and my attitude – after an evening in with a small box and a tv remote.
24. I’m still wavering on the kids issue. I know I said I want twins, but babies in general freak me out right now. Maybe it’s because I’m a nanny and I see just how horrible they can be. But there’s also those lovely days when the 8 month old I nanny for leans her head in to bonk my forehead, look me in the eyes and laugh at her own cleverness. That makes me want my own.
25. I’m realize as I write this how unbelievably vulnerable this honesty makes me. It scares me to open up and share all of me with the internet. It also makes me realize just how many people won’t care. Also, I realize that anyone who does judge me is probably a person I wouldn’t like to spend time with anyway.
26. I’m currently writing a screenplay. I’ve tried to write a novel for almost five years now. I’ve got a million stories that need to be told rattling around in my head, but none of them ever get written. I get caught up in the details of one scene and lose track of where it’s going. I’ve got the outline done for the screenplay, and I hope to have the rough draft done by the end of the summer. How cool would it be to be on IMDb.com for writing a screenplay! Or Executive Producing! I’d definitely feel like that is my accomplishment for the last ten years.
27. I have no willpower. I can’t follow a diet to save my life. I can’t pass a sweet without having a taste. Yet, I feel like I weigh too much, even at my height. You would think I’d be able to do something about that. Apparently, not.
28. Since I’ve found yoga and started practicing on a regular basis I’ve found that my overall happiness level has increased by a million. Physically, I’m better. Emotionally, I’m a lot more stable. I think finding something that ‘makes sense’ to me has helped me be a better wife and friend. Which means I’ll probably do yoga for the rest of my life.
29. I’m a total wuss. I’m scared of everything. I think that I’ll be that one-in-a-million person who gets eaten by a shark, or whose SCUBA gear breaks 60feet down, or who’ll get pitched over the horses head into a ditch, or who’ll get hit by a bus that came out of nowhere. I have an almost constant obsession with the Worst Thing That Could Happen At This Particular Moment. It’s absurd, but consuming.
30. I cry when I laugh. Every time. I’ve learned to control it, mostly, but it’s always there. If I’m truly laughing at something there is always an undercurrent of sadness that washes through me. I don’t know what that’s about. Maybe deep inside I’m scared that the happiness will run out? I don’t know.
31. I can breathe underwater. Not all the time, of course. But it’s happened twice now that when I thought I was drowning, I just opened my mouth and breathed in – and I was fine. I surfaced and lived.
32. I love to entertain. Some of my favourite memories are of days or nights when I’ve had friends or family over to eat and drink and play games or just talk. It’s so much better, in my opinion, than going out to a crowded bar and paying through the nose for watered down drinks.
33. My favourite smell in the world is vanilla. Baking, perfumes, drinks…whatever. It brings me home to my grandmothers’ kitchen.
34. I regret ever getting a credit card. So does the company that gave it to me. I have debt in the states, and I can’t do anything about it, currently.
35. I leave extremely long phone messages for my close friends. It’s a sign that we’ve become close if I ramble into your voicemail for two and a half minutes. Most of the time, it’s quite funny because I kind of zone out and just let the stream of consciousness flow. I never mind if you don’t listen, either. It’s just my way of showing you I care.
36. I married the only man I’ve ever met in six countries and two continents who makes my soul sing. He is the music of my heart and I feel a tug every time I look at him.
37. I love rock-climbing. I am absolutely terrified of falling, but I love the thrill of using my own strength to literally scale a mountain. I’m so excited to live in BC. I’ve met a new climbing partner and this summer is going to be amazing for climbing!
38. Sometimes I read scene in a book that I particularly like, then I’ll get up – if I’m alone – and act it out like I’m in a movie.
39. I got first of two of the best presents I’ve ever received on Christmas 2005. My Grandmommy gave me a cookbook that she had put together herself of all the recipes of hers that I’ve ever loved.
40. The second of the best presents ever was Adrian’s proposal and the ring that came with it. About that he said: “It’s a white gold band, unbroken and simple. Elegant and timeless. The hammered central band is our life together- not smooth but unbroken. The outside edges are each of us, always side by side and holding it all together.â€? I couldn’t ask for anyone to understand me more.
41. I love making plans. I think I’m pretty good at doing the background work to make sure an event or night or dinner goes off without a hitch. Most of the time.
42. I love cooking – but I also love cooking well. It really makes me feel good when someone compliments the meal, since I put so much love and effort into making it. That’s why people love to come to our house for Easter and Thanksgiving, though!
43. I’m very clumsy. I’ve sprained both of my ankles so many times I’ve lost count.
44. I hate to embarrass myself. I always feel like I stick out or say the wrong thing. I’m getting used to that feeling though, or maybe I’m just letting go of my insecurities.
45. I love restaurants that are converted houses, they have such a lovely feeling of intimacy – like you’re dining with friends.
46. I haven’t been horseback riding in well over a year. I’m hoping to do some of that this summer as well. One of my favourite afternoons was a few hours spent alone, trail-riding a pie-bald horse named Silky through the woods in South Carolina.
47. Turquoise is my favourite stone. I’m trying to make sure I design jewelry with a wide variety of stones, but I always come back to that blue-green coloured stone I love so much.
48. It’s rare that I fall asleep before midnight. If I go to bed at 10, my mind still races for a couple of hours. As a result, I never feel like I got enough sleep if I have to work early in the morning. Which is usually every morning.
49. I used to wear a fake engagement ring so men wouldn’t hit on me. Now, I only wear my engagement ring (because it’s a band) and my diamond ring stays at home.
50. My wedding band, since we’re on the subject, is a family heirloom. It’s over 110 years old and comes from a woman named Margaret MacCallum on the scottish side of my paternal family. It may be older, but we’re not sure. It’s one of the most beautiful rings I’ve ever seen. The diamond is an Old European Cut and is set in a delicate eight-pronged yellow gold setting.
51. I’m really allergic to shellfish, but the allergy extends to shrimp and lobster to a lesser degree. It sucks having that allergy here on the Pacific Rim.
52. Apparently, my eyes don’t close all the way when I’m sleeping sometimes. It’s dark to me, so why should I care?
53. I hit my funnybone so often I have a perpetual bruise. It’s not actually that funny, I have to admit.
54. I crave carbs – everything bagels, crackers and cream cheese, biscuits, croissants…I need to live on a deserted island for a month or two, eating nothing but fresh fruit and fish. Maybe then I would break the cravings for heavy, starchy foods.
55. My comfort food? Mashed potatos.
56. My grandmother, Suzanne, is the most amazing woman in the world, and I thank her for loving me every chance that I get. It’s because of her that I grew up to let go of my bitterness and be a loving, caring person worthy of being loved in return.
57. I love painting. I haven’t been inspired to paint much lately – except for the bathroom – but I used to just sit down and paint whatever I felt, and that always seemed to make for really interesting pictures.
58. Sometimes I think I create drama, unintentionally. Or, I know there are two ways to take something and I take it negatively. Is this a deep-seated insecurity? Or am I just naturally inclined to push the limit and see what happens?
59. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I think that sometimes makes me vulnerable to attack, but it also makes me more easy to get to know. If I’m smiling at you, it’s because you make me smile.
60. I really love smiling at people who don’t expect it. Like bus drivers, and cashiers and people who normally take crap from everyone else. I smile at random people going down the street, and I like to watch as they go from ‘meh.’ to ‘hey, she smiled! I should smile back!’
61. Sometimes I’ll let fate guide my footsteps home. I won’t have a time limit or a plan or a direction and I’ll just head off and hope for the best. This happens more often when I don’t have a bus pass.
62. I don’t believe in organized religion. I respect people’s choices, but I also wonder how much truth there is in a book written by committee 300 years after the guy it was written about died.
63. I have a lot of great ideas for how to make this world a better place, but marketing them as beliefs or laws only makes them harder to put into practice. “Thou shalt not steal� can be used in so many beautiful ways, it could practically be our only law.
64. I have a fabulous, delicious, delightful cat named Sir Thomas Taverner. We adopted him because he crawled in my lap last year at the SPCA and started purring. In the last year of living together, he has voluntarily climbed in my lap how many times? Exactly none. None times.
65. I still wish that I lived in another literary universe. The Great Game trilogy, The Fionavar Tapestry, The Kushiel series, the Black Jewels world…I’ve dreamed myself there many times. I still harbour a hope that when we die, we get to choose where we want to go.
66. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I don’t believe, with any real conviction (other than the literary wish), that anything happens after we die. As sad as it sounds, I think it’s just a fade to black.
67. I intentionally read books that make me cry. I love getting lost in a story so much that you empathize with the main characters and suffer as they suffer and triumph as they triumph. Can you tell I read a lot of epic fiction?
68. I honestly can’t believe I’ve written so much revealing information about myself and I’m only on number 68. How is that possible?
69. I’m always positively surprised when someone I admire turns out to admire me in return. Almost all of my close friendships developed slowly. I remember admiring them all for something, and when they said they liked something similar about me, I was astounded.
70. I don’t often see the good things about myself. I assume I’m very plain and boring, though cheerful. When people compliment me, I have to look at myself in a whole new light.
71. Sometimes I miss working as an administrative assistant in offices. I was never terribly great at the day-to-day stuff, but with a project and a due date – man, watch out!
72. I have silly regrets. Like, I regret throwing away my silver sandals (I want them NOW!) and my lavender madras bustier from Victoria’s Secret. And those lovely T strap sandals. And those gorgeous kid leather square toe boots.
73. I used to own almost 50 pairs of shoes. I love shoes.
74. I don’t really like this getting older thing. I’m turning 26 and thinking ‘What the hell? I remember being 20 and thinking I was soooo grown-up.’ It’s bizarre watching your own life unfold. I didn’t expect this.
75. I read far, far too much. Before I moved to Canada, I owned nearly 1,000 books. I gave them away, sold them and donated them before I left. It almost broke my heart to do that. But the best ones I saved for myself and brought up here, despite the shipping cost.
76. I’m totally, wholeheartedly, unabashedly looking forward to the last Harry Potter book.
77. I’m really proud of my little brother. He’s so dedicated and awesome – he’s going for the 2012 Summer Olympics to compete in swimming. How amazing is that?!
78. My little sister is turning out to be a beautiful, loving, sweet girl and I hope she never loses those qualities. I also hope girls her age stop looking at the trashy girls in entertainment as role-models.
79. Altogether, I have five siblings. My older brother, Randy, and I have the same parents. Lauren, my 20 year old sister, and I have the same mom, different dads. My little brother, Chandler and my little sister, Kelsey and I share a dad, but their mom is my ex-step-mom (who I still call mom). My newest sibling, Amy, is just about to turn 2, and is from my dad’s third marriage.
80. I’m 5′10 and I feel that’s really tall for a girl. I used to feel awkward, now I just feel fabulous. Except when I can’t find pants long enough.
81. I’m a natural hostess. I love making people feel welcome and being able to answer questions. I should be a museum docent or get hired out to host parties.
82. I’m over-all pretty happy with my body. I’m strong and capable and quite cute even naked. I have my own hang ups, like we all do, but when I look in the mirror, I like what I see.
83. I have a thing for squinty eyes. I automatically find people attractive who don’t have super-round eyes.
84. I crave pork chops and brownies. Not in that combination, but those are my top two cravings.
85. I have never failed to have a rice crispy treat when crossing on the BC Ferries. Ever.
86. I think really ugly things are beautiful. Like dirty, rundown old buildings. Rusty metal. Rubble. Layered Graffiti. Broken things. Those are the things I would like to take pictures of, if I knew how.
87. I want to have my wedding dress cut down to just below my knees and dyed black. I think it would be so fun to wear my wedding dress to a cocktail party ‘in disguise’.
88. When walking home alone, I always case my surroundings, like I’m a spy or something. I assume that at some point in my life I’m going to be attacked, so I stay on guard.
89. If it comes to ‘fight or flight’ – I fight. I almost shot my ex boyfriend because he came banging on the door in the middle of the night. Before I even thought about it, I had a 9mm Glock in my hand and my back against the wall with the safety off – I was prepared to fuck someone up if it came down to it. I’m still pretty proud that in a stressful situation I didn’t turn girly.
90. The farthest I’ve ever gone by myself (i.e. With no one waiting for me on the other end) was to West Virginia for a climbing convention where I didn’t know anyone and had never even camped before. Putting up a four person tent by yourself is entertainment for the masses if you’ve never done it.
91. My best feature, in my opinion, is my eyes. I love how dark brown they are. They’re warm and crinkly and sparkley and sometimes gold-toned. I’ll have crows feet when I’m old from smiling so much, but I know my eyes speak for me sometimes, and I think that’s pretty fun.
92. I second-guess myself a lot. I get locked in Analysis Paralysis and have minor breakdowns because I can’t find my way out of my own twisty logic. It gets to be a little much, sometimes.
93. I have made some gigantic strides in my writing in the last year. My voice is stronger and my style is more clear. It’s really awesome to be able to analyze your own writing and know that you’re doing it right.
94. I don’t think I could live anywhere else in the world. Unless, of course, I could afford to winter in Mexico and summer here in Vancouver. I don’t hate the rain and snow and cold…oh wait, yes I do.
95. If I had it to do over again, I probably still wouldn’t have completed college. I’ve become the person I am for my experiences, but I would definitely have branched out more in terms of travel and taking chances.
96. One of my favourite ways to spend time with my husband is to go for coffee or a long walk. Sometimes both. We always have the most amazing conversations. I know it’s going to be amazing to be 65 years old with him and still have as much fun. Mmm. Old people sex.
97. I never saw myself getting married, so being this happy is a strange state of being for me. I wake up in the morning and think “Oh! That’s lovely. I’m married to the guy I find unbelievably sexy and interesting. Hmm. What do you know?!â€?
98. I hate ending friendships, but I also know when there comes a time to end something that isn’t working. I’ve lost people this year I genuinely liked, but it irrevocably didn’t work out. And I have to move on from that.
99. I thank my friends for being my friends. Happy people, I hear, are grateful people – I am so happy to have met the people I consider my friends. I know a lot of folks out there, but I can count my real friends on both hands.
100. I’m glad I sat down to write these things. In comparison to my list from four years ago, I’ve come a long way. I’m able to be more honest with myself, and I’m willing to recognize my own faults – but not judge myself too harshly for them. I’m working on becoming a better person every day, more happy and more fulfilled. I hope it doesn’t come too soon that I get ‘perfect’, because then I might just get bored.

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